MSN should probably be the last place one should seek level-headed advice. They seem to specialize in sensationalist titles and articles (that promise to solve all your problems) to attract and keep attention. So I guess I really shouldn't be surprised by the feast offered in their "Hot on Hotmail" feature today "Should you marry a fixer-upper?". Curiousity gets the better of me in certain occasions and I clicked the link. It ended up being a "Ask Ann Landers" type of column.
Ann Landers actually offered sensible advice to people, but of course sensibility would be too much to ask from MSN. A woman was torn between marrying a man who is kind and loving to her, but doesn't have very high aspirations in life. The advice offered to her by their resident "expert" Mama Gena was that men in general don't have aspirations and that they need a woman to push them to achieve.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but not only am I surprised I am also in disbelief. People turn to these kinds of forums when they have real problems they are not sure how to handle. This woman was trying to answer one of the biggest questions in life - how do you reconcile love with people you are in love with. In other words relationships are about compromises. She loved this guy, but when she started thinking about marriage she started considering what he would be like as a partner. Of course, this is where the big decision came in... does she marry someone she loves, but who possibly might not go very far in life. These kinds of decisions go into the very heart of who we are as human beings and they are heart and gut wrenching.
In light of this situation she was told that she should forge ahead and make this guy into what she wants him to be. UNBELIEVABLE!! What is even more unbelievable is that Mama Gena actually quoted Beauty and the Beast to support her argument (as the woman brought up the fact that her beau's physical attributes leave a bit to be desired) and then twisted the story to suit her argument by saying: "And it was through her love and training that he turned into a prince." Training? I don't remember Belle training the Beast. What would that look like? Are we talking S&M here?
If you ask me a lot of partnerships (marriages or not) suffer from unrealistic expectations and attempts to mold the partner according to those expectations. To actually promote this trend as a way to happiness and bliss is beyond unconscientious - it is morally criminal!
To do my part I wrote her the following email.
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Dear Ms. Thomashauer,
I was somewhat appaled by your answer to "Dating Exterminator". This woman found herself stuck with one of the great decisions in life (choosing a partner) and you advised her to go unilaterally ahead and project her expectations onto this man. In my humble opinion that is certainly not the way to start a productive and successful partnership. Perhaps this man is happy being who he is and does not need a woman to direct him. The least you could do was to advise her to have an open conversation with him about her wants and needs as well as his. I think that would've been a lot more productive way of approaching her qualms.
I most certainly hope that you will consider the consequences of your actions and respond more wisely in the future.
Kind regards,
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I will post here if and when I receive a response. If you agree with this entry I would encourage you to write her as well. Giving advice like that is dangerous in my opinion and it should be pointed out.
References:
1. Should I marry my guy? - Mama Gena
http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=2557
2. Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts
http://www.mamagenas.com/
"Trains men & women of all ages to use the power of pleasure to have their way with the world."
Alrighty then. Way to contribute Mama Gena to making this world a better place!